Stories of Doubt is a Doubters Anonymous series featuring the reflections of members of the community. Stories are shared in a spirit of understanding and healing, and reflect the personal beliefs and experiences of the person sharing, not necessarily the group as a whole. We are always accepting new stories and would love to hear yours at firstname.lastname@example.org.
:: drowning ::
grief came too soon
when i noticed they weren’t happy together
no kisses, embraces, affection
the fallout of a marriage bruised and battered and killing itself softly over and over again
the day he gathered us all and asked for the divorce, so quietly and violently
gone were the innocent days
my hero and heroine washed ashore like seaweed and castaways the sea just gave up on and returned to shore, lifeless on the beach of humanity
navigating a crooked chasm ever since
then came the uncharmed love, the great devouring of an unknown and unloved soul who naively opened herself to the mad magic of a lonely soul who belonged to someone else
the giver became the taker, the wise one the senseless, the prophet the pimp, the leader the proverbial bait and switch, the answers for the questions, the goodness for the blame at the cost of her redemption, the truthteller became the liar, she became the lost one, damned to roam in the netherlands of shame because he still had a job to do and she was old news, used and abused and tossed aside
then came marriage and the baby carriage, then came the one born without breath.
the great sadness to unleash all sadnesses was upon me. what was thought to be unconnected was now all mercilessly intertwined. shame had many tethers and many masters now.
hope crashed out of my chest and ran away, wandering, burning into a pile of ashes nowhere to be found.
and so the slow death of god continued, now i knew it was happening, now i could no longer deny the silence, the empty chair, the unanswered cries. In her death all other deaths came to me and i could see them with eyes uncovered and a heart unbound.
the watershed moment when i knew deep down i was in this all by myself, there was no salvation coming for me.
for years i sunk into denial and sadness, i hid in the tears, swimming in the grief and demands of mothering, it wasn’t hard to slip into the shadows unseen, i had help in the bruising and cutting, assistance in the smothering, the drowning had many hands upon it, the pressure building year after year after year
another one came like a thief in the night to prick my heart and then left me bleeding again. this time I was no stranger to the blackness.
now i fight the acceptance, i beat against myself, i don’t want to be where i am, without who i am without, alone in a world not as i thought it was.
what i thought was the greatest has now been trumped, hope continues lost and elusive and i have no idea how to find myself under all the years, all the sizes, all the tightness, all the breaths.
i’m going under. is the answer to keep fighting, stop looking for my ship to come in, to give in and fall under, let the waters cover me and take my breath, what then? what about them, what about me, about us, about him, how will this all play out. will hope meet me at the bottom of the sea?
i’m drowning in a sea of my own tears.
Words to a Silent God is a writer expressing anonymously how she came to the place of no longer believing in the Christian god of her entire life. She now finds herself as an agnostic atheist with no belief in any god of any kind. She loves to mix conceptual photography with her writing. She believes everyone has a voice worthy to be heard and that beauty can be found anywhere. She is an advocate for women who have been abused by clergy and in churches and find themselves outside the walls, as well as those women who find themselves swallowed up in the grief of child loss. She knows profound grief and joy, both intimately. She is a SAHM of 2 and has been married to her best friend for almost 11 1/2 yrs. She can be found on wordpress, facebook, twitter, and instagram.