Stories of Doubt is a Doubters Anonymous series featuring the reflections of members of the community. Stories are shared in a spirit of understanding and healing, and reflect the personal beliefs and experiences of the person sharing, not necessarily the group as a whole. We are always accepting new stories and would love to hear yours at email@example.com.
Tonight I said the word for the first time… agnostic.
My trust was broken by spiritual abuse. I don’t know how to trust anymore. I need to learn – I certainly must learn if I am to ever be whole. I need to heal, and I want to, and I will.
But I need to learn to trust first. What comes after that is unknown. But it would be absolutely unhealthy for me right now to trust in something unproven just because it is safe and comfortable. Once I know how to trust, and trust well, then I will think of looking at this person called Christ again.
But until then, I need to be, I must be an agnostic with a deep appreciation for faith. One who gains much from it but does not fully trust its wholehearted embrace of the unseen. One who perhaps hopes to come to it again one day, by a different door, to find clean water and good fruit, who holds out hope, but who cannot come right now.
And if I am to be in community, I must find a place that accepts that I have not arrived here by laziness, or weakness, or lack of a moral compass. It must be a place that weaves people like me into the fiber of its being, that actively creates space for us to contemplate, and meditate, and listen, and learn, and participate without demanding belief for a time.
I need a space for spiritual abuse survivors and agnostics who still love their faith.
If I believed now, it would be out of fear. So I must disbelieve, if I am ever to have a chance of truly returning to faith as a whole person.
I may never return to faith; that is a chance I take by choosing the path of honesty. But I will be whole.
I will never return to certainty, and I grieve that loss. But perhaps in wandering I will find atruer faith. Certainly, I shall find a truer self.
Ellie Ava writes about life, the universe, and everything post-faith at EllieAva.tumblr.com